From inside to outside

The reason for writing this blog was the clients who came to see me and when in a state of trauma what they would do to heal.

What we should really be doing is being around others and getting out of the house. Instead we withdraw as the body comes from a state of shock (from a bad experience) to exhaustion as the body has moved from fight or flight to safety. Then we can either recover from it or go through it countless times. It is amazing what we put up with and for how long. How strong the body is until it either fails us , as it can’t take it anymore or it wins through the struggle then recuperates. Like a caterpillar in a cocoon. The funny thing in it all is what are we willing to do in order to get away from ourselves? And how many times do we have to repeat the same pattern before we move onto to a more healthy relationship with self.

I wrote a list one day of all the things I do to get away from me, really the inner child part of me that really needed the most love. In order to feel as I didn’t really know how as I’d never had that relationship with myself. I was codependent in others for this. What I was willing to do to run from her as I didn’t feel worthy of her as my own self belief structures in relationship with men had been destroyed. It wasn’t until I met some really lovely men on my Wisdom Leader course that I understood how lovely men can really be. That all men are not bad!!(My dad and my brother without doubt are lovely) but I had been with the wrong kind of men as I didn’t feel worthy as I wasn’t giving that part of me my inner child the love she needed to feel worthy. So I was attracting that in my relationships with men.

List of things I do to get away from me

As the list grew of all the things I did to stop being alone with me I realised I had to change it. Such as:

Working too hard

Drinking alcohol

Going to the gym excessively

Spending time on my phone Facebook etc just for the sake of it

Eating unhealthy foods and gorging

Watching tele/films

Speaking to others first instead of talking to me

Having sex with men for the sake of it

And on and on it went!!!

In a way these are all normal things to do but when done in excess it’s not so healthy anymore….

I know up until now it’s been a bit doom and gloom but I really felt I wanted to help people get out of that hole as I had been there myself.

I started forcing myself to go on gentle walks not massively long ones just to get outside. Baby steps one day at a time. I brought myself a house which meant I needed to grow up and be responsible. I found local exercise classes like yoga and Thai Chi and stuck to it. The walks then getting longer and more routine. Getting outside and being around people who liked doing the same things as me. I was nervous at first as I was stepping out of my routine but as I kept doing things I could see the benefits I felt better I felt alive.

The biggest struggle for me was the friends I had also didn’t do the same things as I did so I had to surround myself with like minded people to change this.

During this process I had my altar that I sat by daily as the process evolved from a part of me that was almost dead to this new me now that has energy in her. I just had to get her up and move her, gently then when I new she could I pushed her just enough. I have said this before about self love and the inner child but as we come out of that cocoon and emerge we are in a sense more vulnerable and it’s at this point we have the ability to change things around. The fun part is as we learn to listen to ourselves and what we really want is for things to start to improve on the outside because things are better on the inside.

Realising with trauma that when we are getting stronger self care and love are key. Such as going for a gentle massage, going out for dinner with friends or lunch. Finding ways to pamper ourselves feeding ourselves love rather than blocking it or feeding it with unhealthy alternatives. As we grow stronger in ourselves we have stronger boundaries and learn what is and is not ok and have the ability to say No if something does not feel right. It’s odd at first but as you grow in confidence and reap the rewards you will simply want to carry on.

When was the last time you went on a walk without your phone and really tuned into trees? The sun the birds singing their tune? We forgot how but it’s fun to remember. Picking up leaves from the ground and making camouflages like when we were kids. Really though the Earth is lovely. Mother Earth supporting as as we feel safe again. We just have to go back to our roots to change this around.

Getting outside after trauma

Another wonderful way to get back into the body is movement such as dance classes like ecstatic dancing, 5 rhythms, or singing or drum groups I found really uplifting. It’s rewarding to share that energy with others who like the same thing. Other ways would be going on retreats or holidays with like minded people. For instance I’m off to Peru to experience life in a different way and I’m meeting up with people with the same mindset which really helps to keep moving away from what no longer serves.

Soul Path Journey

Everyone’s path and journey is different but there are also similarities that make others experiences useful and something to share as inspiration or ideas to build a better life filled with the things that make us happy. It involves change and we are never good a change as it means something different but I needed to move away from my old way of being as it wasn’t serving me. I had to work at it like building a new house new foundations then it became easy and normal and I got to live and do the things I really wanted to do. Most importantly building that relationship with myself and really loving me inside and out for my flaws which just made me unique. The teachings from Davina MacKail and Nizami Cummins from Ayni foundation were the ones who really gave me this. I couldn’t have done it on my own.

It is now my aim to help others go through their own journey to help them find themselves. To recover to be happy inside and out and making that a reality as everything is possible even if not quite there yet.

Thinking a man will fix us!

I tried and for a long time believed a man was the solution to my problems. That I would be better off with a man that it would solve my problems. I felt lonely and thought by giving myself away sexually it would attract that in a man and he would then take care of me.

I repeated this over and over again in a circuit. The same issue coming up each time but with a different man until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I realised then that I needed to change things around by starting with me first that if I was happy loving me, taking time with me, I’d find that in a man when the time was right. Until that time I needed a new way forward relearning and creating a better relationship with me before anyone else could come close.

The best thing about it all is I have built a relationship with myself, slowly day by day building that relationship until it just felt natural. A lot of it was believing in myself and what I was here to do in this world. I wanted to change my world around me and so I did. Yes it took sone effort, like when I felt sad I cried and asked the little girl in me what was going on what she needed most (not chocolate to feed her but love and hug and care).

Positive thinking

What we think we create. If you go to bed sad and angry, blaming self and others and wake up sad then no wonder our day turns out that way. So I would listen to something positive before I went to bed then say I love you. On waking I would listen to a meditation track and yoga routine that was fully positive for 45 minutes!! I hated it because she was happy. And the subliminal messages started to change. I felt happier and then people around me were nicer to me kinder to me because I was being nice to me. It really worked, which is why I still do it now!!

List of things we can do to be with ourselves

Earlier on I wrote a list of all the things I did to stay away from me!! Here is a list of things you can do to be with you and to love the relationship that may change as a result:

Breathing into heart exercise.

Sit with self and say over and over I love you, I’m sorry,please forgive me, thank you repeatedly until the feeling has come and been cleared.

Drink a cup of tea and let go of your phone for half an hour and just sit.

Have a nice bath make it special and be still.

Go for a long walk without your phone or switch it off.

Look at a candle for 5-10 minutes to allow your mind to rest.


To complete this blog I would like to share my key that really began my journey and connection with Spirit. Raw chocolate Ixcacao the Goddess of chocolate was my gold and still is. From this place working with this energy I found a way to go into my body but with the help of 100% pure chocolate. Here is a short video about cacao and it’s benefits:

Why the energy works so well is that the energies of the chocolate allow you to open your heart and from that space the gold shines through. It can be a tad teary at time but if we allow whatever is inside to cleanse and that space is filled with love a powerful shift takes place. It can take a little of getting used to but it’s really worth it. I’m living proof of that.

If you feel this blog has been useful to you and you would like more information about the work I do please feel free to get in contact with me.

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